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WHISKERS 



A Farce in One Act 

BY 

HELEN F. BAGG 

Author of "WHY NOT JIM?" "THE FASCINATING 
FANNY BROWN," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1912 






Copyright 1912 by The Penn Publishing Company 



©aU 31UiJ6 



whiskers 



CHARACTERS 

Miss Sara Adams A rich spinster 

]\lALiEL ^^*' (^i^i^^ niece, the bride 

Inez Her younger niece, the maid of Jionor 

Frances Page~) 

Evelyn Birch v The bridesmaids 

Ethel Ross j 

AnNa llie colored maid 

John Phelps A rich old bacJicIor 

Chester Phelps His nephew, the groom 

Parker Glen The best man 

Time of Playing : — One Hour. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

On account of a family quarrel Chester Phelps has not 
seen his millionaire uncle since babyhood. On the day 
Chester is to marry Mabel Adams Uncle John comes to the 
bride's house disguised in black whiskers and asks permis- 
sion to see the ceremony. Mabel's Aunt Sara hides hun 
in a closet. Chester is evading jury duty, and fears that 
the sheriff, "a fat man with black whiskers," will find hnii. 
The bridesmaids think Uncle John is a burglar after the 
wedding presents. Chester and the best man tlunk he's the 
sheriff, and they gag and bind him to prevent his interfermg 
with the wedding. Aunt Sara rescues him and explains. 
Uncle John is ruffled, but admires his nephew's spirit. ** I 
insist upon being allowed to give away the bride." Wed- 
ding march and general satisfaction. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES 

Miss Sara. About forty-five, richly dressed for a house 
wedding in daytime. 

Mabel. About twenty-two. At first appearance is all 
dressed for her wedding except her gown. She wears kimono 
or dressing-gown. Appears afterward in white wedding 
dress, white shoes, veil, and carrying flowers. 

Inez. About twenty. Dresses in pink, as '* maid of 
honor." 

Frances, Evelyn and Ethel are pretty girls of any age. 
They are the bridesmaids. Frances should be the tallest of 
the three; Evelyn is small and dainty; Ethel is the young- 
est. They are dressed in lacy white gowns, big white hats, 
white sli[)pers anci stockings. 

Anna, colored maid, any age. Wears maid's costume 
of black dress, white apron and cap. 

Phelps. Middle-aged, stout. Wears dark glasses and a 
pair of black false whiskers, of the sort that may be easily 
removed. Dark clothes. 

Chester. About twenty-five; wears frock coat, gray 
trousers, silk hat, white tie, gloves. At first entrance clothes 
are very dusty. 

Parker. About twenty-five; wears at first entrance mo- 
toring togs and goggles, and carries two suit-cases. Ap- 
pears later in frock coat, etc., like Chester's costume. 



PROPERTIES 

For Anna: Boxes of flowers; basket tied with white rib- 
bons, and containing a cake. 

For Evelyn : Small chair; long white ribbons. 

For Mabel : Comb. 

For Ethel : Lamp. 

For Miss Sara: Atomizer. 

For Parker : Two suit-cases ; ring in box. 

For Chester: Cigarette, whisk-broom, note-book, pencil, 
dollar bill. 

For Phelps: Black false whiskers. 

Other properties: Auto horn, bell, wedding presents, 
some wrapped, some unwrapped ; one present should be a 
gravy ladle ; pair of scissors. 

4 



SCENE PLOT 



INTERIOR BACKING 



/ 



o 



DOOR WITH 
CURTAINS 



CHAIR PALMS and' 

PLANTS 1°°°^ "^O 
CLOSET 




Scene. — The "den" at '* Restview," Miss Adams' 
home. Lnrge open doorways at c, and up r. ; the latter 
with portidres. Up l. c. door leading to conservatory. Up 
L. door to telephone closet. Mantel with mirror down L. 
(The mantel may be omitted, but there should be a mirror 
in the room.) Table down l. c. Sofa and chairs as in- 
dicated ; the chair up r. should be a very light one. Other 
furnishings as desired. There should be a lamp on the 
table. 



Whiskers 



Time : September. Mabel's wedding day. 
Place : Miss Adams' hofne, Restview. 

SCENE. — The ^^ den'' at Restview. Ate, a large dooy 
ivay, open ; at R., another large doorway, curtained ', at 
L., a small door, leading to a closet, closed, in wJiich is a 
concealed telephone ; L. c, entrance to a conservatory, 
half concealed by palms and plants. Frances Page, 
Evelyn Birch and Ethel Ross, bridesmaids, are dis- 
covered as the curtain rises. Frances is standing be- 
fore the mirror adjusting her hat. Evelyn is seated 
R., tying a couple of boivs in some long ivhite ribbons, 
which are to be stretched for the wedding procession. 
Ethel is standing before a small table, l., on which are 
heaped a number of lately -arrived weddi?ig presents, 
some wrapped, some lying loose. 

Ethel {holding it up). Another gravy ladle ! It must 
be awfully exciting to be a bride. 

Evelyn. Oh, I don't know. I think the bridesmaids 
have most of the fun. 

Frances. Fun ! I guess you wouldn't call it fun if you 
had to walk up the line with an usher fully four inches 
shorter than you were ! I don't see why they can't grow a 
few tall men nowadays ! 

Ethel. Well, I'm not looking for much fun out of this 
affair! Here I am, wearing a No. 2 shoe when my whole 
being calls out for a 3 — ^just because Mabel changed her 
mind at the last minute and insisted on our having white 
slippers. 

{S/ie limps to a chair and sits holding otie foot up and sur- 
veying it piteously. ) 

7 



8 WHISKERS 

Frances {turning to the table), Mabel surely has been 
lucky. 1 never saw handsomer presents. The roouis up- 
stairs are full of them. 

Evelyn. I should think they'd have a detective to watch 
them, or at least a policeman — especially when there have 
been so many burglaries lately in Elmwood. 

Ethel [conteniptuously^. What's a policeman? Why, 
a clever burglar will walk off with your things right under a 
policeman's nose ! (Evelyn shivers and glances around 

apprehensively.') Why, i heard this morning {Eiiter 

Anna, c, with Jier artns full of boxes.) Good gracious, 
Anna, not more presents? 

Anna {with a grin). No, ma'am. Dese yere's de flow- 
ers fo' you-alls to carry. Dey jes' come. {She dumps them 
on sofa R. T/ie girls ruslifor them. 'Ky Ei.W'^ puts ribbons 
on table. Anna rescues two of the boxes.) Dese yere 
b' longs to Miss Mabel an' Miss Inez. 

{The girls open the others, taking out huge bouquets of pink 
roses. Anna goes off at c, with the otJier boxes.) 

Frances. How perfect ! I will say for Chester Phelps 
that he always does tilings beautifully. That's one of the 
things I liked about him when he was engaged to me. 

{The other two exchange amused glances behind her back as 
she returns to mirror.) 

Evelyn. It must make you feel quite odd, Fanny, to be 
bridesmaid at his wedding, after being engaged to him 
yourself. 

Frances (placidly'). It does. Very odd. 

Ethel. The sort of feeling one has at a rummage sale 
when you see all your old things being snapped up by some 
one else. 

Frances. Not at all. Chester and I are very good 
friends. He never would have suited me as a husband ; I 
must have a man to whom I can look up. 

Ethel. Isn't that rather a large order ? 

Frances (severely). I mean in character. Chester 
Phelps is entirely too frivolous and inconsequential for me. 
He'll do very nicely for Mabel. I'm sure 1 hope they'll be 
quite happy. 



WHISKERS 9 

Evelyn. Well, Chester thinks so, anyhow. I never saw 
a man more in love. 

FuANCES {coldly). Really ! 

Evelyn. And as to his being frivolous, my brother 
George says that he's one of the rising young men of Elm- 
wood, and that he has a splendid future. 

Ethel. He has a milHonaire uncle, at all events. 

Frances. Who has never spoken to him since he was a 
boy. 

Evelyn. You mean old Mr. Phelps, who lives in that 
big stone house out by the park ? I've heard of him. 

Frances {putting flowers on sofa). Yes, he quarreled 
with Chester's father about something, and has never had 
anything to do with tlie family since. Chester doesn't ex- 
pect anything from him. He says he is the most peculiar 
old man in the world. 

Ethel {stepping to the door c. as an auto horn toots out- 
side y and looking off L.). There's Parker Glen — and if 
there isn't Inez on the veranda to meet him ! If that's not 
a case, I miss my guess. 

Evelyn. Weil, you know they say that one wedding 
always makes another. 

Ethel {limping across the stage slowly). I don't care 
what it makes, if they'll only have it and get through with 
it. If I have to wear this shoe much longer they'll have to 
carry me up the aisle on a stretcher. 

Evelyn. Cheer up, dear, think how becoming your 
gown is. 

Ethel. Humph — that's all very well for you — yours fit ! 
There's nothing 1 know of that'll squeeze the joy out of life 
quite so quickly as a shoe one size too small. I'm going 
upstairs and take them off till this show begins. 

{She hobbles off c, turning R.) 

{Enter Inez and Parker Glen at r. Parker carries tivo 
suit-cases.^ 

Parker {setting doivn suit-cases with a sigh of relief , 
and mopping his brow). Hullo, girls ! 

Inez {running to sofa). Oh, the flowers have come ! 
AnMi't they lovely? 

Evelyn. Anna took yours and Mabel's upstairs. 



10 WHISKERS 

Frances. I'm going up to put mine on. Hasn't Chester 
come yet? 

Jnez. No. 

Frances {starting to go). Well, I always said Chester 
Phelps would be late to his own wedding, and now 1 believe 
he's going to be. Come on, Evelyn. 

(^Exit both at c. Parker takes off his coat and goggles.) 

Inez (^indignantly). To hear that girl talk you'd think 
she had been engaged to Chester ten years instead of ten 
days ! 

Parker. Maybe it seemed like ten years. Say, where 
is Chester, anyway? 

Inez. Parker Glen, what do you mean ? 

Parker. Nothing, only he told me to stop for him in 
the car and bring him along. 

Inez. Well? 

Parker. Well, I did, and they said at the house that 
he'd been gone two hours. Now, where the dickens has he 
gone ? 

Jnez. Why, Parker, you don't think 

Parker. 'Phere wasn't anything for him to do. He 
bought his railroad tickets yesterday, and Pve got the 
license in my pocket. 1 hope he hasn't got stage fright at 
the last minute. 

Inez (/// horror). Parker Glen, you do think of the 
most horrible things ! What time is it? 

Parker (glancing at his watch). It's eleven-thirty, and 
the ceremony's fixed for twelve. I hope he hasn't forgotten 
all about it. 

Inez, Forgotten about it ! 

Parker. Well, I've heard of fellows forgetting their 
weddings, and Chester's as absent-minded as the deuce. 

Inez. Absent-minded ! Parker, do you suppose he's 
lost the ring and gone after another ? 

Parker. No, I don't, because I've got it in my pocket. 
Want to see it ? 

Inez {coming to him). Of course I do. 

Parker {going through his pockets). At least I did 
have it. 

Inez. Parker ! 

Parker {finding it). Ah, here it is ! You don't catch 



WHISKERS II 

me forgetting things. {^He opens the little boXy she looking 
on in fascinated interest.) Neat, eh ? 

Inez. Oh, Parker, isn't it lovely? 

Parker. 1 j^icked it out for him. 

Inez (^admiringly). 1 thought it looked like your taste. 

Parkicr (shutting the box witJi a snap and putting it in 
his pocket). Oh, come now, quit jollying me. 1 don't 
like it. 

Jnez (innocently). Jollying you? 

Parker. Yes. Making out that you think I'm the 
whole cheese, when you don't care a hang for me. 

Jnez. 1 do care a hang for you. 

Parker. No, you don't. Here I've been begging you 
all sunniier to marry me and have a double wedding 

Inez. A double wedding ! No, thank you ! One wed- 
ding is all my nervous system will stand at a time. If I 
survive this one I may consider your — your 

Parker. 01i, that's right — laugh about it. It's funny, 
isn' t it ? (Laughs a forced laugh. ) 

Inez. I'm not laughing. You know I can't marry you 
and leave poor Aunt Sara all alone. It would be brutal. 

Parker. Nonsense. She'd never miss you. She's got 
her clubs and her settlement, and her suffragette movements 
and 



Inez. Don't you make fun of my aunt 



Parker. I'm not making fun of her. I think she's 
bully; but you can't stay with her forever, you know. 

Inez. Well, I can't leave her now while her hay fever 
is so bad — that's certain. 

Parker. How about when her hay fever is over? 

(Puis his arm around her.) 
Inez (shyly). I — I 

(He is about to kiss her ivhen Mabel appears in the door- 
way at c. Mabel is dressed for the weddings all except 
her goivn, and has thrown a dressing-gown around Jier. 
She looks very much excited, has a comb in her hand, 
being evidently not quite through with her toilet.) 

Mabel. Parker Glen, what are you doing ? 
Parker (as Inez jumps away). Praying for frost. 

(Inez giggles.) 



12 WHISKERS 

Mabel. Humph ! Where is Chester ? 

Parker. Tliat's what 1 want to know. 

Mabel {alarmed). Why, Parker 

Jnez {to Parker). Hush ! i^l^o Mabel.) Parker 
stopped for him in the car, dear, but he had started. 1 
sui)pose he had an errand he wanted to do. 

Parker. That's it, of course. 

Mabel. Errand ! Parker Glen, you're hiding some- 
thin i^ from me. 

Parker. Me ? 

Inez. Why, Mabel dear, how could 

Mabel {sinking into a chair up l.). Something's hap- 
pened to Chester, and you won't tell me ! 

Inez {to Parker). Now see what you've done ! 

Parker. 1 ? 

Inez. Yes, you. Now, Mabel 

Mabel {wildly). Oh, I knew something dreadful was 
going to happen ever since Chester droi)ped the looking- 
glass Uncle Josiah sent us, and broke it ! {Tragically.) 
Oil ! was it the automobile ? 

(Parker tramps up and down with his hands in his pockets-^ 
wJiile Inez tries to calm Mabel.) 

Inez. Nothing has happened, darling, he's all right — 
he 

Mabel {indignantly). Then what did Parker mean by 
telling me that it had ? 

Parker. Gosh ! 

Mabel. But why doesn't he come? Oh, something 
must have haj)pened ! {Sobs again.) 

Parker. Shall I 'phone over to tlie house and see if he's 
come back ? 

Mabel. And have every telephone girl in town know 
that I'm hunting him up? No, indeed. I'd die first. 

Parker. Oh, very well. 

Inez. I'll tell you 

{She pauses as a peculiar whistle is heard off . Mabel rises.) 

Mabel. Oh, it's Chester ! {Whistle repeated. Parker 
runs up to door c, and looks off l.) He's safe ! He's 
safe ! 



WHISKERS JO 

Parkeu. Well, I'll be darned. He's climbing in the 
window. Come on in here and explain yourself. 

(Parker comes dozvn c. Chester Phelps' head in tall 
silk Iiat appears slowly around edge of door c. He looks 
about anxiously?) 

Mabel. Oh, Chester ! 

Chester {Jinger on his lips). Hush ! 

(^He comes in, looking behind him anxiously, the three 
watching Iiim in amazement. He is covered with dust. 
He comes down front.) 

Mabel. But, Chester, what does it mean ? Why are you 
coming in like a — a 

Parker. Porch climber? 

Inez. And what in the world has happened to vour 
clothes? ^ 

Chester {in a hollow tone). Has— has the sheriff been 
here ? 

Inez. The sheriff! 

Mabel {indignantly). Of course not ! 

Chester {dropping into a chair ; they gather around 
him anxiously). Thank iieaven ! 

Parker, i say, old man, where have you been all 
morning ? I stopped for you 

Chester {solemnly — glancing at his trousers). I have 
been in the coal bin since nine o'clock this morning. 

Parker. 



Inez t '" ^'^^ ^°^^ '^^^ ' 

Mabel {putting her hand on his shoulder). Darling, 
are you sure you're not out of your head ? 

Chester {irritably). No, I'm not sure. I've had 
enough this morning to put me out of my head. Are you 
sure that there hasn't been a fat man with a bushy black 
beard hanging around here this morning? {Sits on sofa r.) 

Mabel {soothingly). No, dear, of course not. 

(Parker and Inez gaze at each other in consternation.) 

Inez {to Parker). Parker, is there any disease that be- 
gins by seeing fat men with black bushy beards? 
Parker. If there is, I never had it ! 
MABEt.. But, Chester, why should the sheriff come here ? 
Chester. To arrest me ! 



14 WHISKERS 



Mabkl. But 



Chester. Oh, it's all my confounded absent-minded- 
ness. {TJie others glance at each other and shake their 
heads hopelessly. Mabel sits by Jiim on sofa, comb in 
hand, her face expressing great alarm. Inez has sunk into 
a chair L. Pakker stands c, zvith his hands in his pock- 
ets.^ Two weeks ago I was drawn on a jury, to appear to- 
day — this morning at nine o'clock, before Judge Short. I 
meant to have it changed to some time next monlli. I've 
got a friend who might have worked it for me all right — a 
lawyer chap, but 1 had so many things on my mind that I 
forgot all about it, and it never entered my head till this 
morning at breakfast. 

Mabel. But vvliy didn't you telephone the judge that 
you luid an important engagement and couldn't come ? 

Chester {disgustedly). What do you think a subjjoena 
is, anyhow? An invitation to play ''bridge"? 

Parker. You might have gone and tried to get him to 
excuse you. They'll do that sometimes. 

Chester. It was nine o'clock then, and when I came 
to look at the papers — I hadn't taken the trouble to read 
them before — 1 found that it was Judge Short before whom 
I was to appear. 

Inez. Well? 

Chester. Then I knew it was all up. Judge Short hates 
me. You see, his name was up for membersliip at the 
Country Club last spring, and 1 was one of the three who 
blackballed him. Some fool let it out, and the judge has 
had it in for me ever since. It would be just nuts for him 
to break up this wedding. 

Mabel. Oh, Chester, how could you do anything so 
rash as to blackball a judge? You might have known you'd 
need him some day. 

Chester. Well, he's a stupid old bore. I belonged to 
a club with him once, and he used to drive me crazy, but- 
tonholing me to listen to his fool stories, and 1 made up my 
mind I wasn't going to stand for it again. J couldn't foresee 
a calamity like this. Nobody could, {^He springs up and 
begins trainping up and doivn.) I decided to dress, to pre- 
pare for the wedding as though nothing had happened, and 
to come here and tell you everything. The first man 1 saw 
when 1 turned the corner of this street was Johnson — the 
sheriff, a fat old [)arty with black whiskers. 



whiskers 15 

Mabel. } ^, , 

Inez. \ ^'^ ' 

Chester. He didn't see me; I bolted down an alley 
and ran for home; I got in through the cellar door and hid 
in the coal bin, and I've been there ever since. 

Mabel (as lie sinks on sofa again). You poor darling ! 
What an awful time you've had ! 

Chester. Awful ! 

Parker. But what are you going to do about it? I sup- 
pose you know that you're to be married in less than half 
an iiour, and that the guests will be coming any minute? 

Chester. I'm going through wilh it if I'm arrested in 
the middle of the ceremony and taken to the penitentiary. 

Mabel. Chester, they couldn't j^ut you ihere? 

Chester. I don't know what they can do. That's the 
beauty of a modern education. Teaches you absolutely 
nothing useful. It may be a hanging offense for all 1 know. 

Mabel. Oh, Chester ! 

Chester, it would be just peaches and cream to that 
old idiot to send me from the altar to the gallows ! 

(IVa/ks up and down a^ain followed by Mabel waving the 
comb frantically. ) 

Inez {to Parker). Parker Glen, you must think of 
something to help him out of this, or I'll never speak to you 
again. 

Parker. What do you want me to do? Murder the 
sheriff? 

Inez. I want you to use your brain — if you have one. 
There must be a way somewhere. 

Chester {dismally'). There is. I can give myself up. 

Mabel {clinging to him). Darling, no, think of me ! 

Chester. I am thinking of you. How can I let you 
tie yourself to a felon ? 

Mabel {wildly). I'd rather be tied to anything than to 
have all those peoi)le come here expecting a wedding and 
find me without anybody to get married to. I — 1 couldn't 
stand it. {He embraces her. ) 

Parker. I have it ! 'Phone the minister to hurry up 
and get it over with before anything happens. 

Inez. Si)lendid ! I knew you'd think of something. 

Mabel. Yes. Parker, hurry and 'phone. He's West 
678. 



1 6 WHISKERS 

(Parker goes to ^ phone, which is in closet at \.. An mito 
horn toots outside. Chesieu is very nervous, and Mabel 
soot/ies him. Inez runs to door c, looking off r.) 

Parker {at closet door). The first guest, by Jove ! 

{He enters closet.') 

Inez. It's tlie Montmorencys ! Lucky for us you're not 
expected to receive your guests at a wedding. 

Parker {Jieardat 'piione). West 678. — No, if Pd wanted 
786 Pd have said so. — Pm in control of my faculties. 
What? Now look here Yes, Pm holding it. 

{AnotJier horn sounds.) 

Inez. The Truedales. 

Parker. Is this the Rev. Howe's residence? Is lie 
there? What? Oh, very well. {Ri/igs off. Comes out 
of closet.) He started for this house half an hour iigo in 
his car. 

Inez. He's had a puncture ! 

Chester. Just my blamed luck ! 

Mabel. A minister ought to be ashamed to run an auto- 
mobile. It's positively immoral. 

Parker. It simply resolves itself into a question of 
which gets here first — the minister or the sheriff — the altar 
or the penitentiary. 

Inez. Parker ! 

Chester. Yes, laugh ! It's funny for you. That's all 
a best man's for nowadays — to tie white bows on trunks and 
make a fool of himself generally. He used to be expected 
to make himself useful, but of course 

Parker. Cheer up, old man, maybe the minister will get 
here first, and we'll get you off before they can nab you. 

Chester. Yes, you're awfully clever. 1 have to come 
back some time, don't I ? 

Parker. Well, you can pay your fine then, like a man. 

{Another toot.) 

Inez {still at door c). The Middletons ! 
Chester. Fine? How much money do you suppose a 
man has when he comes back from a wedding trip ? 

Inez {coming down). As for you, Parker Glen, if you 



• WHISKERS 17 

expect to have anything to do with this affair at all, you'd 
belter go upstairs and dress. 1 don't suppose you intend 
to walk up with me in tliose things ! 

Pakkkr. By George, I forgot. {Grabs suit-cases.) 
Bye, old man, don't let 'em nab you while I'm gone. 

{Dashes off c. Mabf:l suddenly realizes that her oivfi 
toilet is scarcely bride- like.) 

Mabel. Oh ! I can't leave you like this, dear. 

Inez. He can hide in the telephone closet if anybody 
comes. There are a lot of cloaks and things in the end of 
it so he can cover himself all up. 

Chester. 'I'hanks. 

Inez. Come. We mustn't let Aunt Sara know that any- 
tliing's gone wrong. It would worry her. But 

(Inez drags her away. As they go off at c. Miss Sai^a 
Adams enters c. She is a large, handsome zvoman of 
about fifty, beautifully gowned for the ivedding. She has 
an air of autJiority which shoras her to be in the habit of 
managing her houseJiold very thoroughly.) 

Miss Sara. My dear child ! Not dressed, and the 
guests arriving? This will never do. 

Inez. She'll be ready in five minutes, aunty. Don't get 
excited ; remember your hay fever. 

{The girls run off c. Miss Sara comes down. Chester 
seizes a whisk-broom from table and begins brus/iing 
himself furiously. Clouds of dust arise and Miss Sara 
sneezes ivildly. He stops.) 

Chester. I — I beg your pardon, aunty — I seem to have 
a little dust on me. 

Miss Sara. You seem to have a great deal of dust on 
you. Doesn't anybody look after your clothes at home ? 

Chester. Oh, yes, once in a while. 

Miss Sara. Well, it's lucky you're marrying a sensible 
girl, Chester, who'll take care of you properly. 

Cfiester {iiervously). I hope she'll have the chance. 

Miss Sara. What? 

Chester. I mean, I hope nothing will happen to upset 
the wedding — you know. 



l8 WHISKl-RS 

Miss Sara (in amazement'). What could happen to up- 
set the wedding at this hour ? 

Chester (darkly). Oh, lots of things. Fellows die 
suddenly, sometimes. 

Miss Sara. Chester Phelps ! Don't you feel well ? 

Chester. Oh, yes, perfectly, just nervous; horribly 
nervous. 

(^Another honi toots. Miss Sara goes to door c.) 

Miss Sara. The Thompsons ! The ridiculous display 
that those people indulge in ! (Chester sits doivn, takes 
out vote-book and begins to ivrite. Anotlier horn.) 'I'he 
van Sprays ! Dear me, where can Mr. Howe be? 1 detest 
unpunctuality ; and in a minister it's unpardonable. 

Chester. Don't be hard on him, aunty. Something 
may have happened to him. You've no idea how many 
things can happen to a fellow nowadays. 

Miss Sara. Chester, what is the matter with you ? 

Chester. Nothing — nothing at all ! 

Miss Sara. What are you doing? 

Chester (putting the 7iote-book in his pocket). Noth- 
ing — nothing — just jotting down a few — well — a few — you 
know, aunty, I want Mabel to have everything I've got, in 
case I — I'm taken suddenly. 

Miss Sara (in horror). Taken suddenly ! Chester 
Phelps, have you been near anybody who's got anything 
catching? (Conies down Q.) 

Chester. I ? No, of course not. I only want to be 
on the safe side — I 

(Enter Anna, c.) 

Miss Sara. The safe side ! Do you mean to tell 
me 

Anna. A gentleman, miss, to see you. 

Chester {^jumping up in a panic). Where is he? 

Anna. At de side do'. He wanter see Miss Sara by 
herse'f. 

Miss Sara. He's a book agent, of course. Tell him I'm 
out. 

(Chester ivipes his broiv.) 

Anna. He done see de folks comin' in, honey ; he 



WHISKERS 19 

know yo'-alls to home. He say it's mos' perticler dat you 
should see him alone. 

Chicster. Alone ! 

Miss Sara. The impudence of these people is beyond 
anything ! Well, send him in. I suppose it's the quickest 
way to get rid of him, (^Another horn is heard. Miss Sara 
^oes up to door c.) The Hendersons and the 'lownleys- 
Where can that minister be? 

(Chester beckons to Anna. SJie comes to liim. He gives 
her a dollar?) 

Chester (/// a whisper'). Anna ! 

Anna. Yassir ? 

Chester. That man — the book agent — was he a fat 
man with a bushy black beard ? 

Anna {grinning). Yassir, dat's him, sah — ^jes* de spit- 
tin' image ! (Chester gives a groan and without a word 
bolts out of the room at r. Anna stares at him and Miss 
Sara turfis Just in time to see him.) Fo' de Lawd ! 

{^Exit Anna, shaking her head. Miss Sara comes down 
front.) 

Miss Sara. Well, if that's the effect matrimony has on 
people, I thank my stars 1 had sense enough to stay single ! 
\Enter John Phelps, a shorty fat man, with an enormous 
pair of black whiskers.) Well, sir, what do you want? 
If it's books, I've got enough to last me the rest of my life — 
if it's sewing-machines, I don't use 'em — if it's butter 

Phelps. It's not, ma'am, I assure you. (^He removes 
the black whiskers. Miss Sara gives a little shriek.) 
Don't be alarmed, ma'am. They are not — not indigenous 
to the soil, so to speak. 

Miss Sara {indignantly). Who are you? 

Phei-ps {glancing around apprehensively). Hush! I'm 
John Phelps; Chester's uncle. 

Miss Sara {sinking on sofa R.). What ! 

Phelps. I've come to the wedding, ma'am. He didn't 
invite me, but I've come. 

Miss Sara. Then why in the name of common sense 
couldn't you come to the front door ? And why — those ? 

Phelps {drawing up chair and sitting). Listen, ma'am, 
and I'll tell you. You've heard that Chester's family and 1 



20 WHISKIiRS 

don't get on? Chester's father married a Jackson. I can't 
abide the Jacksons, never couhi. I've never had anytliing 
to do with 'em since. But I've always kept my eye on 
Chester. He's a fine boy. 'I'his is strictly between you 
and me, ma'am, as 1 can see you are the sort of woman who 
can keep a secret. I mean to leave him a good bit of my 
money one of these days. 

Miss Sara. Dear me, how splendid of you, Mr. Phelps. 

Phelps. Nonsense, he's all Phelps, you know. No 
Jackson about him ; he's a boy of spirit — 1 like him. But 
i don't want him to know it. 

Miss Sara. No? 

Phelps. Not for the world. He'd tell the family, they'd 
think 1 was coming around — the Jacksons would gloat. I 
won't have any Jacksons gloating over me till Pm in my 
grave. I made up my mind to come in disguise, so 1 
bought these whiskers and I thought maybe you would let 
nie stay in a corner somewhere so that 1 could see the wed- 
ding widiout being seen. 

Miss Sara. In a corner ! 

Phelps. Yes, I hate weddings. I hate fuss and feath- 
ers. Besides, I have hay fever dreadfully. I'm likely to be 
taken with a horrible spell of sneezing just at the crucial mo- 
ment. I daren't risk it. 

Miss Sara. You have hay fever, too? 

Phelps. 'Poo? 

Miss Sara. 1 am a victim — a ffllow-sufferer, Mr, Phelps. 
From the fifteenth of September till frost 1 suffer the tortures 
of the — what you may call 'ems ! 

Phelps. Strange ! Mine always begins on the afternoon 
of the twelfth ! 

Miss S.'VRA. The twelfth ! What a coincidence ! But 
I have a remedy 

Phelps. Pve tried 'em all. 

Miss Sara (risino^ and going np c). Oh, but this one 
is wonderful ! I've been taking it all day, and I've only 
had fifteen fits 

{Slie pauses as she waits for a sneeze, her features working 
convulsively. ~) 

Phelps {alarmed). Fits, ma'am? Do you mean to say 
that my nephew is marrying into a family where they have 
fiis? 



WHISKERS 21 

Miss Sara (as the sneeze refuses to materialize'). Of 
snet'ziiig, sir. If you will wait i will run up-stairs and fetch 
you souie of it right away. 

PhilLPS {detaining her). Don't leave me here alone. 
Suppose Chester couies in and sees nie ? Suppose it gels 
into the newspapers that I, John Phelps, attended the wed- 
ding of a man who was half Jackson — suppose 

Miss Sara. Don't worry — go into the conservatory and 
wait. {Faints to door up l. c.) No one will think of going 
in there. I won't be a moment. 

Phelps {^wringing her hand). Miss Adams, how can I 
thauk you for your kindness, your consideration, your 

Miss Sara. By being good to Chester and Mabel. 

{She goes off at c. He stands a ?nomefit watcliing her.) 

Phelps. A fine woman ! A magnificent woman ! If 
the niece is like her, Chester is a lucky dog ! {The auto 
horn toots again. He starts nervously.) Dear me, more 
people ! I hope none of them will find their way in here. 
I hope Chester won't come in. Perhaps Pd better take 
Miss Adams' advice and retreat into the conservatory. Re- 
markably sensible and attractive woman. 

{He goes ifito the conservatory up l. c.) 

{Enter Anna at c, witli a big basket tied 7vith wlnte rib- 
bons. Slie deposits it in a cJiair ivith a grunt of relief.) 

Anna. Dere's a cake from old lady Johnson, My Ian', 
pears lak dese yere presents am nevah gwine stop arrivin'. 
Seems lak when folks gits married, nowadays, dey don' have 
to buy no mo' tings fo' de res' ob dey lives. {She looks 
around the room ivith a grin.) Dey sho is somefin' power- 
ful stimulatin' 'bout er weddin' ! I reckon when dat party 
starts er marchin' in wif de music playin', (lis yere niggah's 
gwine to have to hoi' on tight ter keep from jinin* in de per- 
cession ! 

{She starts to marehy solevinly^ across the stage ; suddenly 
there is a loud sneeze from the conservatory. Anna stops 
instantly, a look of fright eo?ning into her face. Just 
then, Evelyn, Frances and Eihel eo^ne in ate. Ethel 
is still limping, and all of them appear much excited 
over something.) 



22 WHISKERS 

Frances. You must have imagined him, Ethel. 

Ethel {indignantly). Oh, very well, if you think I 
could imagine a man in a tall silk hat climbing in that very 
window in broad daylight ! Besides, 1 heard him whistle ! 

Evelyn. Whistle ! 

Ethel, Yes, a low, awful kind of a whistle hke you 
read about in pirate stories — a whistle to tell his gang that 
he'd gotten in, probably. 

Evelyn. Merciful heavens ! 

Anna {with a groan, falling on her knees down L.). Dey 
done come at las' ! Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy ! 

Frances. Anna, what's the matter? 

Anna. Dey's a man hid in dah, honey. {Points to door 
L. c. ) I done heard him sneeze jes' befo' you-all come in. 

Ethel. It's my man ! 1 told you 1 didn't imagine 
him ! 

Anna {wringing her liands). He's a night doctah, honey 
— he sho' is. 

Evelyn. What's a night doctor? 

Anna. Lawd, honey, don' yo' know what night doctahs 
is? Hit's one ob dem young medicinal students what goes 
provvlin' roun' an' kidnaps po' niggahs fer to use 'em in de 
'sectin' room. Lawdy, I jes' knew one ob 'em was gwine 
get me some time. {She breaks into a wail.^ 

Frances {severely). Nonsense, Anna, don't be a fool ! 
It's a burglar after the wedding silver. What did he look 
like, Ethel? 

Ethel {sinking onto sofa and taking off her shoe). I 
didn't see his face — but his whistle was awful ! 

Evelyn. What shall we do ? If we tell the girls they'll 
be frightened to death. The wedding will be ruined. 

Anna. Look hyah, don* yo'-all do nuffin' to spile dis 
weddin'. Hit's powerful bad luck ter spile er weddin'. 

Ethel. I don't suppose you want the family to be mur- 
dered in cold blood, and all those lovely presents stolen, do 
you ? 

Anna. Oh, Lawdy, chile, don' talk lak dat ! 

Frances. The thing to do is to say nothing to any one, 
but to telephone the police. By the time they get here, the 
wedding will be over, and they can arrest the man. 1 shall 
do it myself at once. .( Crosses to 'phone closet.) 

EvKi,YN. But, Frances, suppose he hears you? 

Frances. He can't, if he's in the conservatory. But if 



WHISKERS 23 

you're afraid you'd better arm yourself with somelhing and 
be ready for hiui. (A bell ri?igs ; they all jump.) 

Anna. Dat Miss Mabel wantin' me 

Ethel. Well, mind you don't let her see that anything's 
the matter. It would be a wicked shame to frighten her 
now. 

(Frances goes into closet.) 

Anna. Yassem. I ain't gwine tell nobody nufifin*, but 
goodness knows dey ain't gwine be no mo' highfaluLiness in 
dis yere weddin' fer me. 

(^Exit Anna, c.) 

Frances (Jieard in closet). Give me the police station. 

Evelyn {taking up a small chair up r.). Do you sup- 
pose 1 could brain him with this if he made a rush ? 

Ethel {liinping to the table and seizing a lamp). Try, 
and if he gets away from you, I'll smash him with this ! 

Frances {very excitedly). Is this the police station? 
This is 324 North Avenue: Miss Adams' house — yes — 
where the wedding is. Say, there's a man here. — What? 
There usually is at a wedding? Look here, don't you be 
impertinent to me, young fellow, or I'll report you. My 
father is an alderman. There's a strange man hidden on 
these premises, and we think he's after the silver. We want 
yon to send a policeman up 

Ethel. Two policemen ! He's a desperate-looking 
wretch ! 

Frances. Two policemen — big ones — yes — ^just as soon 
as you can. {Pause.) What? Oh, how awful! {She 
comes out of telephone closet.) Girls, he said there was a 
dreadful robbery last night at the other end of town and they 
slugged the man of the house and broke his arm ! He said 
the robber was still at large ! 

Ethel {putting down the lamp and limpiiig to sofa R.). 
Well, he isn't — he's in our conservatory ! 

Evelyn {going to door c). More people ! 

Ethel. And for all they know they've come to assist at 
a murder instead of a wedding. 

Frances. That's the beauty of keeping your wits about 
yon. Now, if it hadn't been for me 

P:thel. You? Why, all you did was to telephone the 



24 WHISKERS 

police. I risked my life leaning out of an upstairs window 

watching him climb in. Suppose he'd shot me? 

Frances. You'd better say, "Suppose I'd fallen out of 

the window on him and killed him? " You were scared to 

death — you know you were. 

Ethel. VVeii, how about you ? I don't suppose yon 

Frances. 1 was not in the least frightened. 1 

{A tremendous sneeze is Jieard from the conservatory. The 
three rush together in the 77iiddle of the room, Ethel, 
shoe in hand, Frances, holding her tightly, Evelyn, ivith 
her hands covering her eyes.) 

All. Oh ! 

(^Just at this moment Mlss Sara enters at c, atomizer in 
hand ; the girls jump apart.') 

Miss Sara. Why, girls, what is the matter? 

Frances. N-nolhing, Miss Sara ; we 

Evelyn. We were just — ^just 

Ethel {trying to put on her shoe, standing on one foot). 
Just wondering why the minister didn't come. 

Miss Saua. I'he minister has come. He's in the library 
putting on his robes. We'll form the procession just as 
soon as Mabel is ready. She's so excited, poor child, that 
she can't do a thing for herself. 

Evelyn. But where's Chester? 

Miss Sara. I don't know where he is. He bolted out 
of here a few minutes ago like a crazy man. 1 dare say he's 
in the library with Mr. Howe. 1 wish some of you would 
go and tell him we're nearly ready. 

Frances {quickly). \\\ go. 

Evelyn. So will I. 

( They go off r. Ethel foUoivs sloivly.) 

Ethel. Wait for me. 

{Exit all, R.) 

Miss Sara [glancing around apprehensively^. Ahem ! 
{There is no response.) Dear me, I hope he hasn'l gone 
into the other rooms ! I wouldn't have him meet Chester 
in his nervous condition for the world — it might ruin the 



WHISKERS 25 

boy's chances. (Goes up toward conservatory.) Mr. 
Phelps ! {^Enter Phelps, l. c.) Oh, you're still here ! 

Phelps. Ves, and sneezing my head off! There's 
goldenrod in that room somewhere ! 

Mlss Saka. Goldenrod ! Impossible ! I never allow 
it in the house. 

Phelps. It's there — somewhere. Some fiend has hidden 
it there. I can't stand it. PU go out with the other guests. 
Pd rather meet a thousand Jacksons than stay in a death- 
trap like that ! (Puts on the 7vhiskers and glares at Iier.) 

Miss Sara. Now, Mr. Phelps, don't agitate yourself. 
See, Pve brought the remedy. (Holds out the atomizer.) 
Five sniffs every fifteen minutes, and 

Phelps. Madam, I have no breath to sniff — I am suffo- 
cated — I tell you that place is rank with goldenrod — I 

Mlss Sara. There, there, calm yourself, Mr. Phelps. 
You shan't go back there. Here is a splendid hiding-place 
for you. (Goes to telephone closet L. ; ope /is door.) You 
can leave the door ajar, and you will see the bridal pro- 
cession as it passes through the room, and then you can 
steal out and watch the ceremony through those portieres. 

Phelps. No — no — my mind is made up. I'll go out 
like a man. With these whiskers I don't look like myself. 

Miss Sara. You certainly do not. You look like nn 
escaped convict. Suppose some of the Jackson family 
should see you in these and recognize you ! 

Phe[-ps. Suffering cats ! 

Miss Sara. You see, I'm right. 

Phelps. You are. You're a remarkable woman. I 
don't see how you have escaped being married, ma'am. 

Miss Sara {stiffly'). The people who do the work in 
tliis world, Mr. Phelps, don't have time to think of getting 
married. 

Phelps. Just what I have always said, ma'am — just 
why I'm single myself. 

Miss Sara. Pve been a very busy woman, Mr. Phelps. 
I've had two girls to bring up. 

Phelps. And remarkably well you've succeeded, mn'am, 
if report speaks the truth. 1 hope that nephew of mine is 
worthy of your niece. 

Miss Sara. He's a splendid fellow. 

Phelps. Solid, I hope? No nonsense about him? 

Miss Sara. Oh, dear no, none whatever ! 



26 WHISKERS 

Phei.ps. What I dislike about tlie young men of the 
present day is their flighliness. It's a nervous generation — 
they iiave no repose — no — self-control — no 

Miss Sara. That's the truth. 

Phelps. 1 hope Chester's not nervous? I hate a nerv- 
ous young man. 

Miss Sai^a. Oh, dear no, not at all. {Aside.) And 
may I be forgiven for the lies I'm telling ! 

Phelps. And I trust, I sincerely trust that he does not 
smoke cigarettes. 

Miss Sara (^faintly). No — no — he doesn't ! 

(Chester's voice is heard at r.) 

Chester. Oh, all right, Pm ready. 

Miss Sara. Goodness gracious, here he is! The closet, 
quick {Fashes Phelps toivard it.) 

Phelps. But are you sure 

Miss Sara. Yes, yes, he mustn't see you, you know ! 
Quick ! 

Phelps (goifif). AVell, if you 

Miss Sara {pushing him in). There you are — take the 
atomizer — remember, fifteen sniffs 

(^She shuts the door on him as Chester e?iters r., ciqarette 
in mouth. He rushes up to her excitedly.) 

Chester. Well, why don't we begin ? The minister's 
ready, bridesmaids are ready, Pm ready, — why the deuce 
can't we begin ? 

Miss Sara {doivn l.). Because Mabel isn't dressed. 
Calm yourself, Chester. 

CHii:sTER. I can't calm myself. Here are the moments 
slip[)ing away — flying — and every one maybe 

(//<? breaks off, goes to door c, throws aivay Jiis cigarette, 
comes down c.) 

Miss Sara. Well, Pve heard of impatient bridegrooms 
before — but 

Chester {comino; to her). Has he gone? 

Miss Sara. Has who gone? 

Chester. The chap who came to see you — wMth the 
black whiskers 

Miss Sara {in ?nuch confusion). The — the — book agent ? 



WHISKERS 27 

Chester {scornfully). Oh, yes, the book agent ! 

Miss Saua. Oh, yes, long ago. 

Chester. You're sure he isn't hiding around some- 
wht.-re ? 

Miss Sara. Gracious, Chester, what an idea ! 

Chester. Tiien go and get Mabel quick, and let's get 
it over. 

Miss Sara. I don't know what's the matter with you 
this morning, Chester, I'm sure, but 1 hope for Mabel's sake 
you don't have them often ! 

(^Exit Miss Sara at c. Chester walks up and doiviiy 
nervous ly^ hands in his pockets.^ 

Chester. How does she know he's gone ? Just as like 
as not he's lurking around the premises somewhere waiting 
to nab me in the middle of the ceremony. '' If there be 
any just cause or impediment." A sheriff's an impediment, 
I should think, if he's anything. 1 wonder if he 

(TJiere is a sound of a man whistling frojn the direction of 
C. Chester makes a bound for the closet, bolts into it, 
bolts out again with a look of horror on his face, locks 
the door and stands panting before it fust as Parker, i?i 
frock coat and gray trousers, enters c. followed by Inez 
and Mabel, the latter in her luedding gown and veil. 
T/iey stand staring at Chester /// amazement. He, his 
back to the closet door, returns the stare.) 

Parker. Well, I'm 

Chester. Hush ! I've got him ! 

Mabel {coming; to lm?i). Who, darling? 

Chester (jvildly, 7notioning her away). The sheriff! 
He's in there ! 

Parker {coming down). How do you know? 

Chester. I felt him. 

Inez {clinging to Mabel). Felt him ! 

Chester. Yes. The scoundrel came here disguised as 
a book agent and asked for Aunt Sara. She sent him away 
and he hid in there. I've locked him in. 

Mabel. OI1, Chester ! 

Parker. What are you going to do witli him ? 

Chester. What am I going to do with him ? 

Parker, Yes. You've locked him in, now what are 
you going to do with him? 



28 WHISKERS 

Chester. I'm not going to do anything with him. I've 
done my share ; it's up to you now. 

Parker (^gotng doiv/i l.). Me! 

Chester. Yes. What do you think a best man's for, 
anyliow? Just to look pleasant and jolly the giils? My 
idea is that he's su[)posed to help the groom a bit now and 
then. 

Mabel. Of course he is. 

Inez (going down r.). To be sure. 

Chester. Here I've cornered the wretch, at the risk of 
my life — he may be armed to the teeth, for all I know. 

Mabel [ru lining to him). Chester, you mustn't be so 
brave ! 1 can't bear it. 

Chester (putting his arm aroi/nd Jier'). I can't help 
it; I've always been that way from a child. 

Mabel. Suppose he had killed you? 

Parker (^disgustedly). Oh, shucks, he didn't kill him. 
What's the use making such a fuss? 

Inez {cjossing\..toVk\<Y.'£.\C). Parker! 

Parker. Well, I think it's a good deal more likely that 
Chester killed him. 1 haven't heaid a sound from him since 
we came in. 

Chester. I — 1 — hope not ! I only fell on him ! It 
oughtn't to kill him just to fall on him. 

Parker. You can't tell about these fat chaps. He may 
have a weak heart, and Chester may have fallen on it. 

Mabe[>. Oh, Chester ! 

Chester {crossly). Well, I didn't. I fell on his head. 
I think he bit me. 

Inez. But we must do something ! We can't leave him 
there ! He may make a fuss right in the midst of the 
ceremony ! 

Mabel. Oh, we can't have anything like that ! 

Parker. He must be gaggeci and bound till after the 
wedding. 

Chester. Well, who's going to gag and bind him? I 
suppose you know what it means to assault and batter an 
officer of the law ? 

Parker. Oh, of course if you don't care about getting 
marrie(i 



Mabel (dropping into a chair and bursting into tears). 
Oh ! ' 

Chester (caressing her). Don't, darling, Pll — I'll brain 



WHISKERS 29 

llie wretrli if it's necessary — only 1 think it's Parker's place 
to do it. 

]\1abi<:l (^sobbi/ig). So do I. He may have a gun. 

Chester. Of conrse he may. 

Inez (angri/y). 'I'hen you shan't send Parker in there — 
I won't allow it. I won't have him shot to pieces — they can 
take Chester to jail first. 

Mabel. You're a selfish little thing ! To go and s[)oil 
my wedding just for Parker Glen. 

Parker. Tell you what we'll do. We'll fall upon him 
together, tie him up, gag him, and leave him in there till 
afier tiie wedding, and then if he makes a fuss 

Chester. If he makes a fuss ! 



Pakker. Well, that's up to you — of course, if you 

Great Scott, what's that? 

(7y/<? zveddiug march is heard off stage r.) 

Chester. Good heavens, the march ! They'll all be 

in here in a moment. Come on. 

Mabel. Chester, be careful — remember 

Inez (^grabbing tlie wJiite ribbons fro7n table and putting 

them in Parker's hands). Tie him up with the^e, and 

stuff your handkerchief in his mouth. 

(ErHEL's voice is heard outside — ifi a laugh.) 

Parker. When I say ''three" 

Chester. Good-bye, darling. 
Parker. One — two — three 

i^Both men burst into the closet. There is a loud sound of 
scuffling. The march goes on — there is another laugh 
outside the portieres R.) 

Mabel. They're coming ! Oh, what shall we do? 

Inez [runni?ig to the door w.). They shan't unless they 
come over my dead body ! (Sounds from the closet. 
" There, you ruff an, nonf 7v ill you be still?'' Chester 
and Parker, m>ich disheveled — bano;in<^ the door — at the 
same moment Frances, Evelyn and Ethel enter at r. 
Inez, /// a sepulchral whisper.) Did you do it ? 

(Chester goes to sofa r.) 

Parker. You bet he's good for tiie rest of the day, all 
riiiht. 



30 WHISKERS 

(Mabel is fanning Chester witli Jier veil ; he is completely 
exhausted.^ 

Frances. What's the matter ? Everybody's waiting. 
Ethel. Where's Miss Sara ? 

Evelyn. Good gracious, aren't you even in line yet? 
Mabel. We're wailing for 

(Bnler Ani^ A al c, wildly . ) 

Anna. Lawdy, Lawdy, de police am hyah ! 

(Chester gives a howl and starts for tJie door. Parker 
holds him. Mabel sinks into a chair, Inez falls oji her 
knees, burying Jier face on Mabel's lap.) 

Frances. ^ 

Evelyn. V The police ! 

E'JHEL. ) 

Chester. Let me go — let me go ! 

Parker. It's no use, old man, they've got us. 

Chester (f-isitig). They haven't got me, and they're 

not going to (^Shakes his fst at Anna.) Where are 

they ? 

Anna. In de kitchen — two powerful big ones — oh, 
Lawdy, Lawdy ! 

Frances [calmly). It's all right. I sent for them. 

Chester. You sent for them ? 

Frances. Yes — for the man in the closet. 

Chester (clutching his head). For the man in the 
closet ! Am 1 going mad ? 

(The wedding march is still being played.) 

Ethel. He's a burglar. I saw him crawl in the window 
— he's after the silver. 

Chester {bursting into ivild laughter). In the window ! 

Ha, ha [To Anna, furiously.) Where's the coal 

bin? 

(Anna shrinks away from him.) 

Mabel. Chester, be calm ! 

Chester. Calm ! When these idiots have sent for the 
police to land me in the penitentiary? 
Frances. You ? 



WHISKIiRS 



31 



Parker. Tliey must be goilcn rid of, before they find 
out lluii lie's in there. 

Inez. If we could keep them in the kitchen till after the 
ceremony. 

Chester, We'll have to keep them tliere. Here, you. 
{He grabs the cake from the basket and dumps it into the 
astonished Anna's arms.) 'lake it, make 'em eat it — all 
of it. Load 'em up. Keep 'em busy — hear? 

Anna. Yassir ! 

(Exit Anna, c, and enter Miss Sara, c.) 

Miss Sara. Chester, what does this mean ? What are 
you doing? What 

Pauker. It means that there's a man hiding in that 
closet 

Miss Sara {jvildly). Oh ! 

Chester. It's the sheriff — he's after me for dodging 
jury duty this morning — we, Parker and I, tied him up. 
They saw- him, thought he was a burglar, and sent for the 
police. If those two policemen don't happen to like cake, 
I shall probably be working with a chain gang this time 
next week. 

Frances. Oh ! 

{She bursts into tears ; the other two bridesmaids console 
her.) 

Miss Sara. You and Parker tied him up ! 
Parker. And gagged him. 
Miss Sara. Merciful powers ! 

{Enter Anna, c.) 

Anna. Day done say dey'd wait till atter de ceremony, 
Marse Chester, but to keep de do' locked tight case dey say 
hit's de bad man whut broke inter ole Judge Short's house 
las' night an' beat de judge up so's he couldn't hoi' no cote 
dis mawnin'. 

{Exit Anna, c.) 

Chester. No court to day ! Well, then, what's the 
sheriff doing here ? 

Parker. F^nt they say it isn't the sheriff. 
Mabee. '1 hank heaven ! 



CT 3 1912 

32 WHISKERS 

Chester. Then who is he ? He has black whiskers. 

(Miss Sara goes to the closet and throws open tlie door. 
All tlie girls scream. Chester ^2;//^ Parker try to stop 
her. Out rolls Phelps tied ivilh wliite ribbons, a hand- 
kerchief in his month, and a pair of black whiskers hang- 
ing to his coat button.) 

Miss Sara. Your Uncle John Phelps, and may he for- 
give you, for 1 never should 

(Chester doubles np on sofa r. Parker oji chair l. Miss 
Sara and Mabel, /// c, cut the ribbons.) 

Mabel. Oh, Uncle John, you must forgive us ! You 
don't know how horribly frightened we were, and we'll 
never, never do it again as long as we live. 

Phelps (^rising). No, my dear, you never will — you'll 
never have the chance. 

Miss Sara. My dear Mr. Phelps, I assure you 

Phelps (coming down). My dear lady, not a word. 
Serves me right for coming where I wasn't invited. 

Chester (jumping up). Uncle John, if I'd thought you 
cared 

Phelps. Not a word, my boy, not a word — I like your 
sj^irit — 1 like your courage — it takes nerve to tackle an 
officer of the law, as you thought you were doing. It 
shows that you're all Pheli)s — no Jackson about you. Be- 
sides, if it hadn't been for you 1 never should have had the 
pleasure of meeting the most delightful woman 1 have ever 
met. Not a word. 

Mabel (slyly). Why, Aunt Sara ! 

Chester. I say, it's bully of you to 

Phelps. Not a word — I insist upon giving the bride 
away. Come, my dear. Now, are we going to keep that 
minister waiting all day? 

(/fe takes Mabel by the arm, pushes Chester toward the 
door r. ; they all fall i?ito position. Miss ^M<K7C'ipes 
her eyeSf smilingly. ) 



curtain 




Practical Elocution 

By J. W. Shoemaker, A. J^L 

300 pages 

Qoth, Leather Back, $1.25 

This work is the outgrowth oi 
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Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocu- 
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The work includes a systematic treatment of Ges- 
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Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon re* 
%iot of price. 

The Penn Publishing Company 

226 5. llth Street, Philadelphia 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

I 

016 102 234 2 



Do you want to be an Orator 

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WILL BE SENT FREE ON REQUEST 

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